Top 5 Reasons the Games Industry Hates You and How it's Making Them Rich

For just a moment I want you to stop what you are doing, take a deep breath and look around you. If you’re like 95% of the people who would openly call themselves a gamer the scenario should look something like this. Your laptop is rested snugly on your stomach, you only have about 14% battery life left and you’ve already begun planning the treacherous journey over to the power socket for 20 minutes now (you’re just building up confidence). 

On the coffee table (assuming you didn’t pawn it for Fable II) among your feet you will find a minimum of 7 empty Mountain Dew cans (not including the one you’re working on as you read this article) a bag of cheetos, pizza flavored combos, your headset and a pile of un-paid phone bills so high you’ll probably just end up gluing them all together and gifting the monstrosity to your many cats as a new scratching post. What happened?! How did you get this way? Well odds are you’re actually lounging in a plush apartment in Spain sucking down 100 year old Brandy and tickling Angelina Jolie’s pinky toe. Now you might be asking yourself, then why Don’t Panic, would you assume I’m a fat slob? And I’m here to tell you that I don’t but THEY do. Let’s discuss this and the other 4 reasons the games industry hates you.

Reason #5

For some strange reason, the public loves to associate “gamers” with “Fat piles of shit becoming exceedingly worthless to modern society on an hourly basis”. Who could possibly be to blame for this cruel injustice?

The Responsible Party

Nintendo

How They’re Getting Rich From Hating the Shit out of You

<Nintendo Board Meeting Minutes>

Employee 1> Let me get this straight; the majority of people consider gamers to be unhygienic, fat slobs?

Employee 2> That’s correct sir.

Employee 1> But that’s ridiculous, A LOT of people play video games.

Employee 2> Well sir, I’m just telling you what I know. Sales have dropped 19% in the last quarter and we need a strong rebound after that whole 64 debacle.

Employee 1> Hmm… well, as it turns out gamers really are fat slobs <wink> and we need to make something that will keep them “active”, and “fit”<nudge>. Scare the shit out of the parents, “Oh, but if you buy that Xbox your children will turn into something even Jabba the hut would be sickened by. We’ll corner the market!

Employee 2> That’s genius! I’ll round up a team of nutritionists, physical trainers and scientists to sit in with our creative team to brainstorm some game ideas.

Employee 1> Hahaha you fool! It’s not going to actually work! They just have to think it will!

Employee 2> But sir, what about all the people who already have Xbox’s and Playstations, isn’t this slander?

Employee 1> Fuck ‘em.

Why Does This Mean They Hate Me?

Nintendo has essentially been cock-blocking (Ummm… not sure of a phrase for the ladies, but I thought about you) gamers everywhere for years now. They’ve turned your passion of great games into a bubbling cesspool of stigma and injustice. Berating the common man with images of families all waggling together (Yeah, run with that in the comments) as one big fit happy family. And it doesn’t end there, oh no. They’ve even begun launching an assault on you, the core gamer. With videos like Wii fit girl clawing their way through the interwebz you too will no doubt succumb to their dark power, voluntarily participating in your own downfall. It’s genius really, evil genius.

I for one can no longer sit idly by and watch them drag our good name through the mud. No sir, no longer will I be subjected to girls looking at me as if I shat myself at the mere utterance of Call of Duty 4. No longer will my parents solemnly shake their heads when I tell them I need to borrow a sleeping bag again for a midnight release!  We must rise up! Our only choice is to stand together, stand tall, raise our voices and…….

Oooooooh Nintendogs! I’ll be right back!

Tune in next week for Reason #4 the Games industry Really Hates You and How It’s Making Them Rich.

Oh… and Don’t Panic